Yesterday will be one of those days that will be ingrained in my memory. It started off as a sleepless night as I was frantically packing for my three month adventurous move to Hawaii to work for the summer. The realization that I was going to be alone for the next three months hit me and fear and stress started creeping into my mind over all the unknowns.
I was finally able to get to sleep around 3:30 a.m. only to be woken at 5:30 a.m. with the dreadful news that my Grammy had died and gone to be with the Lord. As with most cases, I assume, when hit with reality of life and death, all the petty fears and stresses I was facing seemed irrelevant. Saddness consumed me.
I witnessed both my mother and father crying that morning due to the loss of one of the most wonderful women I’ve ever known and all day it seemed as soon as I dried my eyes tears filled them again. The reality that I’ve lost the grandparent I was closest to, despite the 3,000 mile distance, broke me.
My Grammy was one of those people in my life that I was proud to talk about. I wish everyone I knew had a chance to meet her. She was loving, hard working, stubborn, British, and hilarious. My Grammy had the best sayings I’ve ever heard and I’ve used them countless times always giving her the credit to the off-the-wall phrases.
The last time I spoke with her just a few weeks ago, she asked me about school and my relationship status, of course. She told me I should find myself a rich man, someone to take care of me… and because I live in California that should be easy to find. She always had the ability to make me laugh. Despite the few times I’ve been able to see her throughout the last few years.
This is going to be selfish, but it is what it is (this is my blog after all). Yesterday, I couldn’t help but feel cheated. I felt cheated that because of distance I wasn’t able to spend more time with my Gram. As the youngest child of five in my family, I felt so jealous of my older siblings who were able to enjoy the wonderful woman my grandmother was for longer than I. My sisters were able to have her at their weddings and introduce their children to their great-grandmother. Yet, those are experiences I will never be able to have.
At 24 years old, this is my first close-related death I’ve really experienced, and to be honest, I don’t really know how to deal. My family is making their way east to Florida to be with the rest of my family for the services, but I am in Hawaii by myself. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, that I should be with my family to be there for my mom, but I can’t afford to fly to Florida right now which leaves me here, sitting on the beach hit with the reality of life that death often brings.
I have no doubt I’m here for a reason, I know God’s got some talking to me to do… which is probably why he opened the doors for me to be alone on an island for three months, but I must say he made the transition a difficult one.