Last semester I wrote a huge paper regarding an ethics code within journalism when covering a story dealing with suicide. In class we even discussed a case study that involved covering a child suicide. I researched, studied, talked, wrote, and thought tirelessly about suicide, but it wasn’t real to me until today. 

Yesterday I got word that there was to be a funeral at the church this week for a thirteen year old boy who took his own life. I had to arrange a meeting for my boss to meet with the family of the boy to help arrange the service. After his meeting was over I had to do more logistics for the funeral, while hearing the heart wrenching details about this boy’s life and his decision. 

I’ve cried probably 6 times tonight since that meeting. I cannot get it out of my head that a 13 year old would be in so much pain because he didn’t have friends that he would take his own life. That thought KILLS me. It’s such a chilling reminder of why I do what I do. Why I work tirelessly in youth ministry when I know I could be doing countless other things.

It’s a reminder of why when I hear the vision casted for Remnant my heart gets so excited and thrilled to be a part of it no matter how hard I may have to work. I know that the DNA of Remnant is to love people, no matter what, because those people make up the Church, and we are called to love others.

I think what is so hard for me to process is why we couldn’t be that love and that family that this 13 year old needed. God why couldn’t you have brought him to us. God why couldn’t you have introduced us prior to this decision he made. I know its ridiculous questions of why, but sometimes my heart has a difficult time understanding the sovereignty of God. I just have to remember there is a reason, even if it is beyond my comprehension. 

Lord, I find my self wanting to pray for you to calm my heart, but then again, upon saying it I realize that is the opposite of what I should want. I want this to hurt, I want this pain I feel for the youth to be REAL to me so that I can remember the importance of what you have called me to be. I guess I need to embrace this pain and let it be a constant reminder of the importance of the calling God has on my life. 

Apologies for the heaviness, but by sharing it, it allows the heaviness inside me to lift just a little. 

Ms. Brittan


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